In this very moment, I know why I love music the way I do… for it to be necessary for it to be playing at the very least 80% of … Continue reading Music, My Dear Music
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It’s been a while, old friend. There’s been quite a bit happening on my end, I would say. I’ve moved out of Boston and to LA. Left LA and visited Boston. Flown back to LA. Packed up, and drove to the Bay Area, where I’ve been living for the past two weeks — which I thought I would be happier about. Am I though? I don’t think so. It has been a series of unfortunate events — all these moves.
Around a month before I graduated, I was unbelievably anxious. I did not want to leave Boston. But well, I had paid a deposit, and committed to going to Los Angeles for the summer, so that’s what was in store for me. There’s the added fact that I had applied to be an RA and accepted the position, so I HAD to be there. However, I knew that I always had Massachusetts as somewhere that I could go back to. I thought that the fact that I studied there gave me another state to call home in America, in addition to California, Texas, and Illinois — but I may have been wrong. Boston, to me, is now HOME. It’s the city that I think of when I think that I miss home. After a while of living away from your actual home, it just happens, I guess. The place that you spend all your time, the place that you build your own support system becomes your home.
I am aching to go back, but I am not allowed to. I have been limited to California or the Philippines. I wish I could explain in a couple of sentences how ridiculous this back and forth has been — it’s been going on FOREVER. “Should I go home?” “Should I stay here?” “If I stay, I will only be able to for a year anyway, so is it really worth it?” It’s been a crazy time in my head. Everyone I speak to asks me, “so any luck on the job front?” or “have you figured out what you’re doing with your life” as their first questions — as if it’s not stressful enough that I’m completely clueless.
It’s been an interesting time though, I do have to say that. I made the most amazing friends in LA — but they went back to Boston (maybe another reason I want to go back?) As much as I’m angry that I moved away from Boston, I’m happy that I got to experience everything that I did. When I was just about to move to LA, I was so so excited. I was going to the city where dreams come true! But that wasn’t the case for me — I wasn’t a big fan of it. I thought something was wrong with me — but the more people I spoke to, I learned that I wasn’t alone; LA really just isn’t for everyone. It would have definitely been a different story, had I been an actress or a model. As a marketing major though, I didn’t have to be in LA. So me being someone who’s never going to put myself through something that makes me unhappy, I moved.
It’s really funny how life works… For the longest time, I wished that I could live in San Francisco. Now that I may have the chance to do so, I no longer want to. I mean, I guess there are a lot of things to factor in though. It’s not like I have my own place. A big reason I wanted to stay was because of the independence and freedom that I got. Living with family though, there really isn’t much of that. There’s the added fact that when you’re given a year in America before you have to go home, you want to be around people that you love, a city that you’re comfortable with, not trying to build up a new network. Or maybe that is what I should be doing? I’ve always said that I’m adventurer, but now, I’m starting to question that. I mean what kind of adventurer ventures, and then attempts to crawl back into her little shell?
Searching for jobs has been crazy. I’ve been applying to places for over two months now, and heard back from ten, at the most. I’ve been applying to Boston too — in hopes that if I get a job offer, I can convince my dad to let me go back. Yesterday, though, I hit a road block. I had applied to all the advertising agencies and PR firms that I know of, and I had looked on every job search site that I know of. So, I decided that maybe it was time to contact a recruiter — which I did. I have a good feeling about it, I think something may come out of it.
As much as I’m angry for myself for feeling the way I do, I’m also proud of myself for sticking with the plan. Two months ago, I thought that I would be back home right now. I was ready to give up, and fly back. Why? Well, because things would be easy over there. I mean not exactly easy, but definitely easier than everything that I’ve been going through over here. But nothing comes easy, right? So here I am, having given myself till the end of this month, and if I don’t have a job by then, I’m going to re-evaluate my decisions.
I’ve got to say though, post-graduate life really isn’t easy it all. It’s like falling into an abyss with no end in sight, and no structure at all. But hey, it has to get more difficult for it to get easier, or something like that, right?
**Also though, throwback to that time that I told myself that I want to be living in a different city every two years. I don’t think that’s something I want to do anymore — judging by the success (or unsuccessfulness) of this move.**
I will tell you this… there’s no way I’m ready to go back to the Philippines. Not yet.